Splitting hairs to split money in a relationship?

If you're in a committed relationship - I know you've fought about money. 

(3.5 minute read).
 

My husband and I sure have and still occasionally do. It's no surprise this happens. Prior to meeting our better half - our working adult lives have earned money for numero uno: ourselves. It's been 'my' money, and that's what culture tells us too: 'look out for you'. We're a society that highly values independence and we don't want to have to answer to anyone. 

I can promise you that this mindset won't serve you well in a relationship - especially not in a marriage. In a marriage - the way we relate to material resources HAS to be re-programmed to move away from the idea of 'mine' and 'yours', to embrace the idea of 'us' and 'ours'. 

Holding tightly to 'my' money and hiding it only for 'me' to use is a prime breeding ground for distrust, suspicion, and arguments. It demonstrates a condition of the heart that is unwilling to share and unwilling to be held accountable to the person we've committed to spending our entire life together with. 

There's really no way to split it. 

I've heard couples spout off formulas and percentages and complex ways they separate out their finances, but when I zoom out and look at the big picture - I honestly just don't see it. I also see a lot of time and energy invested into managing a layered money management system they've confined themselves to. 

From my perspective, I see a roof over their heads that they both enjoy. I see a grocery bill full of food they both ate (....surely the fridge and pantry space aren't separated?!).

If you cohabitate as a committed couple, your finances cohabitate too. Every cost to maintain a couple's general standard of living is in place to serve them both: to build the life they're building and investing in together. 

Realize that when one of you wins, you both win. Realize that when you support and lift and encourage your spouse - it's helping both them, AND YOU, succeed. View using money and efforts as investments into building a rewarding life together. Couples can make one another better versions of themselves.  Marriage is a dynamic union in which the whole is greater than the sum of its parts.

Let go of EQUAL. 

Equality as fairly treated and respected individuals with the same rights and freedoms...yes - OF COURSE - please don't let go of that!  But equal -- as in the context of quantifying resources - NOPE: get ride of it~! 
 

 ✨  100 % / 100 % rule: Despite who earned it, it's ALL 100% mine, and ALL 100% yours, simultaneously, all the time. Ditch the idea of a 50/50 split.

Here are the new scripts of thought:

     - "I give you my all and you give me your all."
     - "Every part of what I have is yours, and every part of what you have is mine."
     -  "What I earn is to benefit us both and the life we're building together and what you earn is to benefit us both and the life we're building together."


  ✨ Build in individual freedom with a focus on results - not cost: This is a marriage, not a jail. Each couple should get their spontaneous fun money (within means) to do with whatever they want - no questions asked. For some couples, this isn't always the same amount. The idea is that each person is able to 'fill their cup' with what gives them life.

Here's a real example:

I was speaking with one couple that had widely differing hobbies and interests. The husband was in the process of temporarily taking flying lessons for pleasure - which was a significant cost (yet within their means), and the wife felt her personal fun money should match the cost of these private flying lessons so that each spouse's 'fun money' would be fair and equal. When I asked what she intended to do with a sum of fun money that large (considering it didn't financially make sense for them), she had no idea what she would possibly spend on each month to match that amount. Her interests and hobbies were much less costly, but nevertheless, did help her enjoy life and feel excited (think gardening and wine clubs). In the end, all unanimously agreed each person's fun money didn't have to match during every season and both felt their current interests were uniquely reflected in their budget and being provided for. 

Getting on the same page:

Working together on money is a process of ongoing commitment and improvement. None of us always gets this right. YNAB (You Need A Budget) software can make money visible and manageable by more than one person, no matter how the bank accounts are structured. It has helped my marriage immensely and I know it can work for you too. Let's explore it together in a free - no-risk, judgement free discovery call.  

Have any feedback, questions, comments, or suggestions? I’m all ears and would love to hear it. Just hit reply, and I WILL email you back!

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